Pain

The only antidote to metal suffering is physical pain.” Karl Marx

What will we do when words cannot help us anymore? What will we do when words are not hard enough to take the hurt and the anger away? What will we do?  What will I do?

Going through a dark hour, a dark chapter we need something or someone who we can turn to for comfort for support. We need that something to anchor us down so that our demons cannot let us take flight with them. Because when they let us take flight with them they will let us relive our nightmare every second of every day. But like I said what are we to do when we do not have that special something to keep you grounded? Or worst when you lost it and it has lost you?

I fear that I have lost my anchor, I have lost my way to redeem it all. I have lost my anchor, words cannot help me, and people will never be able to keep my grounded. I cannot find it in myself to trust someone to the full extent. I fear that I simply cannot let people see my monsters.

I fear that old ways are becoming a new. My old ways of coping my demons are coming back. They have more force and power, they are out to destroy me. They are upon me. Breaching the surface. I am not sure I can keep up the smile, I am not sure I can continue to fake this one through.

I feel like to just let them consume me and devour me, to let it devour my soul. But then I remember I have one anchor left, physical pain. My old coping mechanism, just build up enough anger and hit something the pain keeps me human. It keeps me sane for a while at least. The problem is it fades and it becomes more of an addiction than a coping mechanism. As I lay here I feel every fibre in my body urging me to lay down one punch. What will one punch do? It is only to keep me going for a little while not like one punch will let me fall out of the bus. That is what every fibre is screaming. Every. Single. Fibre. My eyes are filled with tears because I have no idea of what to do?

Should I just let it consume me?

I can’t I simply can’t throw away everything for my past demons.
I cannot lose my strength so easy. I have to stay standing. I NEED TO STAY STANDING. It won’t beat me not this round.

“True strength is when you smile when you want to cry; laugh to hide the pain and keep on going no matter what.”

I need to find a way to make my words harder and make them fill the gaps the demons are making I need to find a way…

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A letter

“Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who walked into your life, said “I’m here for you” and proved it!”

A letter to my best friend

Sometimes I wonder if you know what you did to me the day you proved that you are in my life to stay. I told you, you crawled into my heart. Making yourself at home and knowing you are going to stay. You became my rock, my anchor when I felt like I was drifting away. You became my light in the dark when I could not see my way out. You were there always in my time of need.

The first time I knew you were in my life to stay, was when I was going through one of the toughest times in my life. I would literally sit and contemplate what I had left in a world where I had no one to turn to when I had nobody. But you, you saw my pain and you embraced my pain, my loneliness and you held me. You gave me a chance to cry, you gave me a chance to be vulnerable. That was the moment I knew I had made a true friend, one who I could trust, one who I could lean on.

You were the first one I told about what makes me special, about what happens to me during the night. You are the one who helped me through the unknown. You are the one I turn to when I need someone to talk to or just when I need a friend.

For a moment in time I was stuck in an infinite loop of torture, abuse and hell. You just came along and broke the loop, you helped me escape my horrors. When you helped me escape you were busy falling into your own horror show. You were starting to hit a low point in your life.

It was my time to be your rock, anchor and light. It was my time to help you escape your fears and your horrors. When times were at its bleakest I tried to show you the light as you did for me.

In the end this is only a letter to thank you. To thank you for balancing my life. Thank you for hugging me a little longer when I needed it. Thank you for saying words of comfort which brings tears to my eyes.

Sometimes we get busy, sometimes I am afraid to open up. But once I am around you I can be the me I am supposed to be.

You came into my life and you made yourself at home, now I will never be able to see what life can possibly be without you. You became my family.

Thank you.

I love you unconditionally.

Strapped

Strapped down. Come save me

Dreams can be beautiful, joyful, a drift in one’s imagination; but what happens when you wake up trapped, strapped down tortured, dying, crying, not able to escape. Nightmares. Nightmares that is what no one wants. Nightmares which causes you to cry in your sleep and making you scream, waking up frightened and drenched in sweat.

I am so tired, my eyes are heavy, wanting to close, and sleep threatens to let the nightmare in. No, no, no, no I am drifting away slowly my mind has no control, I pray save me from my soul. Sleep is taking control, I cannot stop it, I have to say goodnight…
I woke up slowly strapped down naked, the smell of blood filled the air accompanied by the smell of burned and rotten flesh. My body aches what’s going on why can I not move? “Hello” my voice is rigged the word barely leaving my mouth. My throat burns like the fire of hell. “heeelll” I want to scream for help but my voice won’t allow me to scream or utter a word. Then a dark shadow appears from behind me. I cannot see anything particular but eyes burning into my skull and a smile formed with vengeance. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve this agonising torture?
The figure is moving a contraption towards me. Panic fills my mind, what is it my body cannot take any more pain. The figure bends over my squirming body and whispers into my ear: “only because I love you” and then he blindfolded me. And strapped my mouth close with a leather strap. Panic filled ever muscle in my body as I tried to squirm myself out of the bindings. Moaning in a state of fear trying to persuade the sick sadist to let me go. I think I might have angered it because the next thing I knew I felt a sharp pain which was followed by pain unexplainable, unimaginable. White hot pain is blazing through my body and I can feel my brain is overloading with the pain. Darkness is devouring me, again.
I drift away into sleep still strapped to the table not able to wake up. Not being able to wake up, I feel a constant drip, drip, drip in between my eyes. It did not end it felt like it has been weeks since I have woken up. The drip, drip, drip continues. Slowly driving me insane. Left in my own demise I start to cry not able to hold back the tears, all because off the constant drip, drip, drip. Then I heard the words roll off my tongue without thinking I said: “please, please just kill me already." The figure appeared again and whispered into my ear “if I kill you I kill myself”. At first it made zero since. A few hours passed before my blindfold was removed and I saw the figure, it was me. A spitting image of me. She made me stand up, after removing the bindings. Half supporting me she bursts out laughing. “You know what maybe I should kill you now, I know you will come back tomorrow then we can continue making us scream”. She picked up a double edged silver knife and jammed it into my back and forced the blade up, I almost blacked out instantly. Then I could feel my lungs forcing the blood through my air pipes, I am drowning in my own blood. It became hard to breathe and the last thing I saw was me standing over my body laughing as I drift into darkness.

Kicking and screaming I woke up, my clothes drenched in sweat. I was still crying. But I was not alone. In my state of tears and shock I turned around to see my anchor laying there, my love. He must have heard my cries and woke up instantly. Instinct took over and I flung myself over him. Because even though I was going through hell i had someone to cling onto. Someone on the other side knowing how to comfort me, knowing to hold me and carry me in my time of need.

An unplanned road trip

This passed weekend I went on a little road trip (and this one was planned) and on this road trip I came to the realisation that we are planning to much. Everything we do is planned way ahead of time. There is nothing spontaneous about it. We plan from the moment we get into the car to the destination. Usually there is no room for little pit stops to get out and explore.

Planning our lives have become a necessity, yes with work we have to plan, to get there on time and what not. but what about a little something different? It doesn't matter if we become adventurous with little things like food or the road we take to our destination, but we don't do this. We have to plan from A to B and all the little in between details.

Then it happens that we don't include someone and chaos begins... Chaos errupts because why did I not tell this person I will be there and when I will be there. But then it was a simple thing such as tehy were not part of the planning. So what now?

There is chaos and the plan is falling apart...

Do you want to know what I think? I say this is bullshit, BULLSHIT!

I know planning is an essential part of life, but in the wormhole, this constant chaos and planning. But all I want to do is go on an unexpected road trip. No destination in mind, just my car and a tank full of gas. On this roadtrip I want to end up somewhere in the middel of somewhere and no where. The in between. On this particular road trip I don't want to take anyone with whom will need to talk the entire time, or who will need noise. I want someone with me who will enjoy the silence as much as I do, who will appreciate the scenery and nature as much as I do. I want to be able to sit in silence with my companinion and that must feel like the best converstation ever.

By the destination I want to burst out laughing, and just start to cry, and then just scream, scream until i loose my voice.THEN I just want to stand in the silence and let it sink in. Let all of it sink in as The day falls to night. But with all thiS crazy emotion release my companinion must not ask why, must not ask what, they can scream with or just stay silent. In that moment I want to find my peace I just want to release all the emotion bottling up on the inside. 

I just want something adventurous where I can be myself and let go. For once I want to let go... and be... ME

Dollhouses the "perfect" life

"The perfect life"
Every week I think to myself that I should try and write something more upbeat, but maybe next time. Tonight a thought ran through my mind it has been in my mind for a while but the thought became crystal clear tonight: we are all living in a dollhouse.

You can interpret this as a dream, a story, or you can relate it is all up to you.

Tonight or rather midnight I sat in tears hearing the church bells chime in the far background. Thinking, pondering about life and what it still entails for me. Secretly I wish that someone or something will just break in and kill me so that I don’t have to feel the pain anymore. I try, I scream to myself that I MAY NOT, I may not show emotion, I must remain neutral; the only time I allow myself to feel emotion is when I am alone. This becomes hard when the people causing you to scream at yourself, tells each other that I am the one I am the little bitch that spreads lies and that I tell tall tales and that I am causing the feuds the quarrels. Then you stay silent and not say a thing. The other siblings will moan and groan in my ear making me listen. I hear it all: the bad mouthing coming from all of you, I hear it all to perfect. I am seen as the good and obedient child by the head of the house the patriarch, I feel how the others look at me, that look of hatred of anger. They will always just say how much they love you, even though you can see how they despise of you. I am seen as the serpent, the snake in the grass. I am the one whispering thoughts into their ears making them act out and start a feud. But what if I don’t breathe a word, what if I don’t even breathe a thought? Am I still the serpent?

Then the twist comes in when someone who is not part of the household walks in…
Then my dearest darling then nothing is wrong then we live in a dollhouse, the tears are wiped away, the looks are masked by fake smiles, and fake laughs. I have been there I know all the lies, to mask the red eyes to mask the pain to make sure that no one sees what is going on. Once the people turn their backs the hatred, the emotional beatings they continue… everyone thinks we are perfect… but are we really? We put up our doll faces and we make a dollhouse where nothing is ever wrong where no one will know of the past or the present. Will they ever look over their thin walls will they ever listen?

Tonight at midnight I sit in tears I wish I silently pray for a way out. I just want it to end I don’t care how I just want this feuds (just a nice way of saying fights and emotional beatings) to end.

I read that every permanent scar I draw is a fight I have lost with myself, that I will never find someone who will love me. If it was not for those scars I would not be here… I would’ve ended it a long time ago, sparing me this pain. Every scar is a victory against my death.

In the end I feel every single human being are putting up doll faces and the every one of us are living in a dollhouse. We all would like the perfect life and we are all pretending that some aspects in the life are perfect or at least as perfect as it can become.

A little imagination

"Logic will get you from A to B, but imagination will take you everywhere”-Albert Einstein

It is astonishing how many different people there are in the world. I know everyone are unique and do everything in their own way. But have you ever gone and watched people closely, and see what they admire, what drives them, what their passions are? I have done this numerous times. Just go to a public place and see how people function. It is just astonishing. Everyone has an imagination and we have to learn the ability to use it in everything we do. We need to go out and see how people function so that we do not end up the same. Life is very short and the only thing that is in the same routine is us humans. We stand up we do our thing, we sleep and repeat. People are becoming depressed and moan every day that they are bored out of their minds but what do they do? They do not use this wonderful thing we have which is called an imagination.
I have been sitting and pondering on this topic for a fairly long time, but I never knew how to word my ideas until now.

Our daily routines have drilled it into our minds that when we move from A to B we must only focus on the destination ahead. Our minds are programmed to only focus on the road ahead we are not programmed to stop alongside the road and admire the scenery. I have asked this exact question to a few people and all of them say “we never look at the landscape when we go places.” We are so focused on what lies ahead we forget what is right in front of us.

People of today struggle to see the little things in life or to gain motivation, but I can never see them applying a little imagination to the process. I am also guilty of this I sometimes forget to sit breathe and involve a little colour in the situation.

We need to open our minds and see what is in front of us. We need to stop living in the past, because it is gone. We should not live for tomorrow because it is not promised we should live now in the moment. So when you drive home from work, take a detour and discover new pathways, discover what you have missed.

Fear a friend or foe?

Once we overcome our fear we can become our dreams…

 “You can’t get through life without it.”

 What is fear? Fear is something that keeps us human it keeps alive. Sometimes it gets hard to not let our fear control our life’s. To fear something can stop us from doing something we should.

In our head we can hear everything like a broken tape recorder screaming and yelling that we should overcome this fear. The thing is how do we overcome this, this little fear which hangs heavy on our shoulders? We can face it head on, we can strategize to get over it or we can hide from it. All of this is very easier said than done, people will also say get some help or either we are here to help you, you do not have to face it alone. But the thing is they will never be able to help you if they never went through the same thing. We scream for help in our own way, hoping and praying someone with the same fear will answer our prayers help me to stop scream. Then we can help each other, hold each other up and keeping each other from drowning.

We as humans have this urge this need to live. This need to survive. We cannot live our life without this need, this urge to survive. Once it is gone there is no need for us to live anymore. Why are we here then? Needless to say not fearing death and not having the urge to live is two very different things. For me I do not fear death I will accept it when it comes. But I am fighting to live, I am clinging on for dear life to that urge to keep on living. I take every day as it comes and every second is a struggle, but from what I can see it is one living and fighting for.

I sit here tonight where I finally admitted my true fear, a fear to trust people well enough to just open up to them. A new but close friend told me to just take a leap of faith, but still I am not sure if I have the true courage to do that. Yet I will take my first leap and say I have a fear of trusting and a fear of myself; another leap I took was starting to write it opens my mind and let me get a better grip on that urge to live.

Let me know what your fear(s) is/are.

Facade are you strong enough to hold my secrets

“We can hide things, but cannot forget them.”

We all have our special collection of masks. We build them up through our life time. Every day we need to decide which mask which, façade will we wear today. We need to decide this wisely because this mask will hide the pain, secrets and thought you don’t want people to see.
In our everyday life we will stand by our door planning on facing the world and its problems it will through at you, before you step over the threshold you need to decide on the mask that will endure the day. Which will keep the things you try to hide hidden.
Some of us try to hide and mask our pain we are feeling so that people do not have to worry about us. Others try to hide the love they are feeling for their crush, because they are scared of rejection. Some also mask their feelings towards people so that they don’t have to confront the problems which can arise. We as people also wear our masks to hide our insecurities, because we are scared of others being disappointed. Some also wear masks to hide from the world to run away and not to face their inner struggles.
Sometimes even families will wear a mask to hide their problems and insecurities.
With all these masks we are wearing we are avoiding confrontation. By avoiding confrontation what will happen is the mask will start to crack at some point but we will have to replace or let someone in and trust them.
So now the question is what will happen when we take off our mask? Or even when we let in someone behind our façade? Or when someone sees beyond your façade?

“Sometimes it’s not the people that change. It is the mask that fall off.”

That moment when we let someone in to see what we have been hiding is the make or break point of our trust. The reason why I say trust is because here is where we will both take our masks off and let them see us flaws and all, or where we are forced to build a reinforced and stronger mask. When we let someone in we trust them with our pain, our flaws, our secrets. Our true self. They will either accept us or not, but their will come a time when we will have to do this, we will have to let someone in to share in our lives.
But then there comes the time when people see through our mask they see what really goes on under there. Now you have one of two options either find a way to hide it better by using a more improved mask. Or you can let them in, the same will be accounted for as mentioned above this is the make it or break it for your trust.
In the end their will come a time where will have to let someone in. Even if it happens involuntary, we have to let someone in. We have to share or we will break not only our masks but ourselves.

Yin and yang; push and pull

“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy to the shadows.”- Brené Brown

In the yin and yang there is good and bad. In good you find the bad and in the bad you find the good. In every human there is the push and pull between the good and the bad, everyone has their own personal yin and yang.  With this yin and yang they must find a way to create a balance. This balance can be anything from the storm raging inside and the happiness a person yearns for.
Finding peace inside your soul is not something which can be forced, this peace can only be achieved by acceptance. The acceptance of the demons and monsters lurking in the shadows of your life. Also the angels and the happiness which shines bright in the light, we so dearly cling to.

What happens if we don’t find this balance in our life? There is no simple answer for this question. What will happen is the part (the good or the bad) which has the most control will take over your body and will cause suffering and pain. If the balance is not reinforced the system might collapse and cause the destruction of the mind, the body and the soul. This is why there is good in the bad and bad in the good.

When the mind, body and soul have reached total destruction the human will become empty and that’s when the dangers become a problem. In all of the bad there is this little problem of mental illnesses, which can result in death.
For a simple example there is addiction and this addiction had to start somewhere. It has started as a way to escape the world and your problems. This have made a false believe in your mind that it make the sadness go away just for a while and restoring the lost balance. Then there was that little lie in the back of your mind “I can stop whenever I want, before it goes too far”.
In extreme cases people will start to experiment with death, to see till what extent they can push themselves. Seeing how deep the cut can go, how tight the rope can go or how many pills does it take to get a “good night’s rest”. This is what will happen when the balance in a person’s life is lost beyond the control of getting it back. This also happens when no one can see that someone has lost their way and needs help to get it back.
I for one have fallen for the blade and the powder of the pill. Every day is a struggle to keep my balance and to not let the push be stronger than the pull in my life and vice versa.

Everyone needs to find their balance in their life, to find the perfect balance between the push and pulls of life. Because in the yin and yang there is both bad and good. In good there is bad and in bad there is good. BUT in all of this there is life.

Life train on a rainy evening

"Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you need to keep moving."-Albert Einstein

LIfe is like a moving train, from the day you are born till the day you die.On this train ride of life you can choose whether or not you want to force this train to stop or not. To stop this train you must crash and burn because there is no coming back like everything is normal. The only thing one can do is to try and rebuild it from the ashes. 
On this train ride we decide who will be the passengers and when they are bound to leave the train. These passangers include anything and anyone, form your demons of the present and past, to the people we care and love for.
BUT like I said in the beginning to keep balance in your life you have to keep moving, you cannot stand still and expect that you will stay up right. The same is for the train ride story we have to keep moving forward to not cause  a train crash. Once you let the train ride stand still for to long it will cause an irrevudable dissaster.

But why all this mambo jumbo about life being a train ride? Well the reason  is because I have let my train stop in one place for to long.  I have lost a few people on the way and i have got the chance to mend some broken and forgetten relationships. I also got the chance to let someone on who i have never thought i could get close to so quickly. I have crashed and burned before it caused me a great deal of pain and also a very dear friend, he did not only save my life but in the process he has let go of his own. He was the main reason i got up and started to rebuild my life, but recently i have started to let my life train slow down and old ways have come to make a new and what once was new have become old. My beautiful scenery have turned into a all crimson scene. I have tried to make a new ways to stray from the old but it does not go away. The one friend who i have never thought i could be so close to so quickly. He could see my pain from the start, even though i wear my sunglasses to mask my eyes, because as the say the eyes of a person is a link to their soul. My friend has helped me to see a more clear path and has helped me to see a way through the crimson land.

Tonight my train of thought pulls away and who knows where it will stop. I sit in the dark of my appartment and look at the rain pouring down. But I sit here tonight with a glass of red wine staring trough the crimson to the moon above me and to the street lights below me. Here I sit tonight and I think to myself what does not kill us does not only make us stronger but it makes us fighters.