Strapped

Strapped down. Come save me

Dreams can be beautiful, joyful, a drift in one’s imagination; but what happens when you wake up trapped, strapped down tortured, dying, crying, not able to escape. Nightmares. Nightmares that is what no one wants. Nightmares which causes you to cry in your sleep and making you scream, waking up frightened and drenched in sweat.

I am so tired, my eyes are heavy, wanting to close, and sleep threatens to let the nightmare in. No, no, no, no I am drifting away slowly my mind has no control, I pray save me from my soul. Sleep is taking control, I cannot stop it, I have to say goodnight…
I woke up slowly strapped down naked, the smell of blood filled the air accompanied by the smell of burned and rotten flesh. My body aches what’s going on why can I not move? “Hello” my voice is rigged the word barely leaving my mouth. My throat burns like the fire of hell. “heeelll” I want to scream for help but my voice won’t allow me to scream or utter a word. Then a dark shadow appears from behind me. I cannot see anything particular but eyes burning into my skull and a smile formed with vengeance. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve this agonising torture?
The figure is moving a contraption towards me. Panic fills my mind, what is it my body cannot take any more pain. The figure bends over my squirming body and whispers into my ear: “only because I love you” and then he blindfolded me. And strapped my mouth close with a leather strap. Panic filled ever muscle in my body as I tried to squirm myself out of the bindings. Moaning in a state of fear trying to persuade the sick sadist to let me go. I think I might have angered it because the next thing I knew I felt a sharp pain which was followed by pain unexplainable, unimaginable. White hot pain is blazing through my body and I can feel my brain is overloading with the pain. Darkness is devouring me, again.
I drift away into sleep still strapped to the table not able to wake up. Not being able to wake up, I feel a constant drip, drip, drip in between my eyes. It did not end it felt like it has been weeks since I have woken up. The drip, drip, drip continues. Slowly driving me insane. Left in my own demise I start to cry not able to hold back the tears, all because off the constant drip, drip, drip. Then I heard the words roll off my tongue without thinking I said: “please, please just kill me already." The figure appeared again and whispered into my ear “if I kill you I kill myself”. At first it made zero since. A few hours passed before my blindfold was removed and I saw the figure, it was me. A spitting image of me. She made me stand up, after removing the bindings. Half supporting me she bursts out laughing. “You know what maybe I should kill you now, I know you will come back tomorrow then we can continue making us scream”. She picked up a double edged silver knife and jammed it into my back and forced the blade up, I almost blacked out instantly. Then I could feel my lungs forcing the blood through my air pipes, I am drowning in my own blood. It became hard to breathe and the last thing I saw was me standing over my body laughing as I drift into darkness.

Kicking and screaming I woke up, my clothes drenched in sweat. I was still crying. But I was not alone. In my state of tears and shock I turned around to see my anchor laying there, my love. He must have heard my cries and woke up instantly. Instinct took over and I flung myself over him. Because even though I was going through hell i had someone to cling onto. Someone on the other side knowing how to comfort me, knowing to hold me and carry me in my time of need.

Dollhouses the "perfect" life

"The perfect life"
Every week I think to myself that I should try and write something more upbeat, but maybe next time. Tonight a thought ran through my mind it has been in my mind for a while but the thought became crystal clear tonight: we are all living in a dollhouse.

You can interpret this as a dream, a story, or you can relate it is all up to you.

Tonight or rather midnight I sat in tears hearing the church bells chime in the far background. Thinking, pondering about life and what it still entails for me. Secretly I wish that someone or something will just break in and kill me so that I don’t have to feel the pain anymore. I try, I scream to myself that I MAY NOT, I may not show emotion, I must remain neutral; the only time I allow myself to feel emotion is when I am alone. This becomes hard when the people causing you to scream at yourself, tells each other that I am the one I am the little bitch that spreads lies and that I tell tall tales and that I am causing the feuds the quarrels. Then you stay silent and not say a thing. The other siblings will moan and groan in my ear making me listen. I hear it all: the bad mouthing coming from all of you, I hear it all to perfect. I am seen as the good and obedient child by the head of the house the patriarch, I feel how the others look at me, that look of hatred of anger. They will always just say how much they love you, even though you can see how they despise of you. I am seen as the serpent, the snake in the grass. I am the one whispering thoughts into their ears making them act out and start a feud. But what if I don’t breathe a word, what if I don’t even breathe a thought? Am I still the serpent?

Then the twist comes in when someone who is not part of the household walks in…
Then my dearest darling then nothing is wrong then we live in a dollhouse, the tears are wiped away, the looks are masked by fake smiles, and fake laughs. I have been there I know all the lies, to mask the red eyes to mask the pain to make sure that no one sees what is going on. Once the people turn their backs the hatred, the emotional beatings they continue… everyone thinks we are perfect… but are we really? We put up our doll faces and we make a dollhouse where nothing is ever wrong where no one will know of the past or the present. Will they ever look over their thin walls will they ever listen?

Tonight at midnight I sit in tears I wish I silently pray for a way out. I just want it to end I don’t care how I just want this feuds (just a nice way of saying fights and emotional beatings) to end.

I read that every permanent scar I draw is a fight I have lost with myself, that I will never find someone who will love me. If it was not for those scars I would not be here… I would’ve ended it a long time ago, sparing me this pain. Every scar is a victory against my death.

In the end I feel every single human being are putting up doll faces and the every one of us are living in a dollhouse. We all would like the perfect life and we are all pretending that some aspects in the life are perfect or at least as perfect as it can become.

Life train on a rainy evening

"Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you need to keep moving."-Albert Einstein

LIfe is like a moving train, from the day you are born till the day you die.On this train ride of life you can choose whether or not you want to force this train to stop or not. To stop this train you must crash and burn because there is no coming back like everything is normal. The only thing one can do is to try and rebuild it from the ashes. 
On this train ride we decide who will be the passengers and when they are bound to leave the train. These passangers include anything and anyone, form your demons of the present and past, to the people we care and love for.
BUT like I said in the beginning to keep balance in your life you have to keep moving, you cannot stand still and expect that you will stay up right. The same is for the train ride story we have to keep moving forward to not cause  a train crash. Once you let the train ride stand still for to long it will cause an irrevudable dissaster.

But why all this mambo jumbo about life being a train ride? Well the reason  is because I have let my train stop in one place for to long.  I have lost a few people on the way and i have got the chance to mend some broken and forgetten relationships. I also got the chance to let someone on who i have never thought i could get close to so quickly. I have crashed and burned before it caused me a great deal of pain and also a very dear friend, he did not only save my life but in the process he has let go of his own. He was the main reason i got up and started to rebuild my life, but recently i have started to let my life train slow down and old ways have come to make a new and what once was new have become old. My beautiful scenery have turned into a all crimson scene. I have tried to make a new ways to stray from the old but it does not go away. The one friend who i have never thought i could be so close to so quickly. He could see my pain from the start, even though i wear my sunglasses to mask my eyes, because as the say the eyes of a person is a link to their soul. My friend has helped me to see a more clear path and has helped me to see a way through the crimson land.

Tonight my train of thought pulls away and who knows where it will stop. I sit in the dark of my appartment and look at the rain pouring down. But I sit here tonight with a glass of red wine staring trough the crimson to the moon above me and to the street lights below me. Here I sit tonight and I think to myself what does not kill us does not only make us stronger but it makes us fighters.