Dollhouses the "perfect" life

"The perfect life"
Every week I think to myself that I should try and write something more upbeat, but maybe next time. Tonight a thought ran through my mind it has been in my mind for a while but the thought became crystal clear tonight: we are all living in a dollhouse.

You can interpret this as a dream, a story, or you can relate it is all up to you.

Tonight or rather midnight I sat in tears hearing the church bells chime in the far background. Thinking, pondering about life and what it still entails for me. Secretly I wish that someone or something will just break in and kill me so that I don’t have to feel the pain anymore. I try, I scream to myself that I MAY NOT, I may not show emotion, I must remain neutral; the only time I allow myself to feel emotion is when I am alone. This becomes hard when the people causing you to scream at yourself, tells each other that I am the one I am the little bitch that spreads lies and that I tell tall tales and that I am causing the feuds the quarrels. Then you stay silent and not say a thing. The other siblings will moan and groan in my ear making me listen. I hear it all: the bad mouthing coming from all of you, I hear it all to perfect. I am seen as the good and obedient child by the head of the house the patriarch, I feel how the others look at me, that look of hatred of anger. They will always just say how much they love you, even though you can see how they despise of you. I am seen as the serpent, the snake in the grass. I am the one whispering thoughts into their ears making them act out and start a feud. But what if I don’t breathe a word, what if I don’t even breathe a thought? Am I still the serpent?

Then the twist comes in when someone who is not part of the household walks in…
Then my dearest darling then nothing is wrong then we live in a dollhouse, the tears are wiped away, the looks are masked by fake smiles, and fake laughs. I have been there I know all the lies, to mask the red eyes to mask the pain to make sure that no one sees what is going on. Once the people turn their backs the hatred, the emotional beatings they continue… everyone thinks we are perfect… but are we really? We put up our doll faces and we make a dollhouse where nothing is ever wrong where no one will know of the past or the present. Will they ever look over their thin walls will they ever listen?

Tonight at midnight I sit in tears I wish I silently pray for a way out. I just want it to end I don’t care how I just want this feuds (just a nice way of saying fights and emotional beatings) to end.

I read that every permanent scar I draw is a fight I have lost with myself, that I will never find someone who will love me. If it was not for those scars I would not be here… I would’ve ended it a long time ago, sparing me this pain. Every scar is a victory against my death.

In the end I feel every single human being are putting up doll faces and the every one of us are living in a dollhouse. We all would like the perfect life and we are all pretending that some aspects in the life are perfect or at least as perfect as it can become.

A little imagination

"Logic will get you from A to B, but imagination will take you everywhere”-Albert Einstein

It is astonishing how many different people there are in the world. I know everyone are unique and do everything in their own way. But have you ever gone and watched people closely, and see what they admire, what drives them, what their passions are? I have done this numerous times. Just go to a public place and see how people function. It is just astonishing. Everyone has an imagination and we have to learn the ability to use it in everything we do. We need to go out and see how people function so that we do not end up the same. Life is very short and the only thing that is in the same routine is us humans. We stand up we do our thing, we sleep and repeat. People are becoming depressed and moan every day that they are bored out of their minds but what do they do? They do not use this wonderful thing we have which is called an imagination.
I have been sitting and pondering on this topic for a fairly long time, but I never knew how to word my ideas until now.

Our daily routines have drilled it into our minds that when we move from A to B we must only focus on the destination ahead. Our minds are programmed to only focus on the road ahead we are not programmed to stop alongside the road and admire the scenery. I have asked this exact question to a few people and all of them say “we never look at the landscape when we go places.” We are so focused on what lies ahead we forget what is right in front of us.

People of today struggle to see the little things in life or to gain motivation, but I can never see them applying a little imagination to the process. I am also guilty of this I sometimes forget to sit breathe and involve a little colour in the situation.

We need to open our minds and see what is in front of us. We need to stop living in the past, because it is gone. We should not live for tomorrow because it is not promised we should live now in the moment. So when you drive home from work, take a detour and discover new pathways, discover what you have missed.

Fear a friend or foe?

Once we overcome our fear we can become our dreams…

 “You can’t get through life without it.”

 What is fear? Fear is something that keeps us human it keeps alive. Sometimes it gets hard to not let our fear control our life’s. To fear something can stop us from doing something we should.

In our head we can hear everything like a broken tape recorder screaming and yelling that we should overcome this fear. The thing is how do we overcome this, this little fear which hangs heavy on our shoulders? We can face it head on, we can strategize to get over it or we can hide from it. All of this is very easier said than done, people will also say get some help or either we are here to help you, you do not have to face it alone. But the thing is they will never be able to help you if they never went through the same thing. We scream for help in our own way, hoping and praying someone with the same fear will answer our prayers help me to stop scream. Then we can help each other, hold each other up and keeping each other from drowning.

We as humans have this urge this need to live. This need to survive. We cannot live our life without this need, this urge to survive. Once it is gone there is no need for us to live anymore. Why are we here then? Needless to say not fearing death and not having the urge to live is two very different things. For me I do not fear death I will accept it when it comes. But I am fighting to live, I am clinging on for dear life to that urge to keep on living. I take every day as it comes and every second is a struggle, but from what I can see it is one living and fighting for.

I sit here tonight where I finally admitted my true fear, a fear to trust people well enough to just open up to them. A new but close friend told me to just take a leap of faith, but still I am not sure if I have the true courage to do that. Yet I will take my first leap and say I have a fear of trusting and a fear of myself; another leap I took was starting to write it opens my mind and let me get a better grip on that urge to live.

Let me know what your fear(s) is/are.

Facade are you strong enough to hold my secrets

“We can hide things, but cannot forget them.”

We all have our special collection of masks. We build them up through our life time. Every day we need to decide which mask which, façade will we wear today. We need to decide this wisely because this mask will hide the pain, secrets and thought you don’t want people to see.
In our everyday life we will stand by our door planning on facing the world and its problems it will through at you, before you step over the threshold you need to decide on the mask that will endure the day. Which will keep the things you try to hide hidden.
Some of us try to hide and mask our pain we are feeling so that people do not have to worry about us. Others try to hide the love they are feeling for their crush, because they are scared of rejection. Some also mask their feelings towards people so that they don’t have to confront the problems which can arise. We as people also wear our masks to hide our insecurities, because we are scared of others being disappointed. Some also wear masks to hide from the world to run away and not to face their inner struggles.
Sometimes even families will wear a mask to hide their problems and insecurities.
With all these masks we are wearing we are avoiding confrontation. By avoiding confrontation what will happen is the mask will start to crack at some point but we will have to replace or let someone in and trust them.
So now the question is what will happen when we take off our mask? Or even when we let in someone behind our façade? Or when someone sees beyond your façade?

“Sometimes it’s not the people that change. It is the mask that fall off.”

That moment when we let someone in to see what we have been hiding is the make or break point of our trust. The reason why I say trust is because here is where we will both take our masks off and let them see us flaws and all, or where we are forced to build a reinforced and stronger mask. When we let someone in we trust them with our pain, our flaws, our secrets. Our true self. They will either accept us or not, but their will come a time when we will have to do this, we will have to let someone in to share in our lives.
But then there comes the time when people see through our mask they see what really goes on under there. Now you have one of two options either find a way to hide it better by using a more improved mask. Or you can let them in, the same will be accounted for as mentioned above this is the make it or break it for your trust.
In the end their will come a time where will have to let someone in. Even if it happens involuntary, we have to let someone in. We have to share or we will break not only our masks but ourselves.