What will we do when words cannot help us anymore? What will we do when words are not hard enough to take the hurt and the anger away? What will we do? What will I do?
Going through a dark hour, a dark chapter we need something or someone who we can turn to for comfort for support. We need that something to anchor us down so that our demons cannot let us take flight with them. Because when they let us take flight with them they will let us relive our nightmare every second of every day. But like I said what are we to do when we do not have that special something to keep you grounded? Or worst when you lost it and it has lost you?
I fear that I have lost my anchor, I have lost my way to redeem it all. I have lost my anchor, words cannot help me, and people will never be able to keep my grounded. I cannot find it in myself to trust someone to the full extent. I fear that I simply cannot let people see my monsters.
I fear that old ways are becoming a new. My old ways of coping my demons are coming back. They have more force and power, they are out to destroy me. They are upon me. Breaching the surface. I am not sure I can keep up the smile, I am not sure I can continue to fake this one through.
I feel like to just let them consume me and devour me, to let it devour my soul. But then I remember I have one anchor left, physical pain. My old coping mechanism, just build up enough anger and hit something the pain keeps me human. It keeps me sane for a while at least. The problem is it fades and it becomes more of an addiction than a coping mechanism. As I lay here I feel every fibre in my body urging me to lay down one punch. What will one punch do? It is only to keep me going for a little while not like one punch will let me fall out of the bus. That is what every fibre is screaming. Every. Single. Fibre. My eyes are filled with tears because I have no idea of what to do?
Should I just let it consume me?
I can’t I simply can’t throw away everything for my past demons.
I cannot lose my strength so easy. I have to stay standing. I NEED TO STAY STANDING. It won’t beat me not this round.
“True strength is when you smile when you want to cry; laugh to hide the pain and keep on going no matter what.”
I need to find a way to make my words harder and make them fill the gaps the demons are making I need to find a way…
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